Anxiety about the tightness of one’s pussy is a common issue I see people struggling with on the floor of a sex shop. Fear that one’s vagina isn’t “tight enough” or  that large toys will render their vagina “loose” are common concerns many folks face when picking out toys.  Customers and dildo wranglers alike ask me questions like: Won’t that big toy make you loose? Is this big toy only for people with “loose vaginas”?  If you aren’t able to keep kegel balls inside the body isn’t that a bad sign?

But these anxieties are the product of misinformation and patriarchal, heterocentric myths. And it’s time to put an end to this misguided thinking.

The myth of the tight pussy is this: Some vaginas are “tight.” Penises want “tight pussies.” You get a tight pussy from having a limited number of penetrative encounters. If a pussy isn’t tight, penises don’t receive real pleasure. A “tight” pussy, however, can be made “loose” by one tiny slip-up with an unreasonably large dick. “Loose” pussies are dirty, out-of-control, and worthy of disgust.

The myth of the tight pussy functions socially to control women’s  sexuality and contain it within certain parameters. ( I recognize that not all vagina-havers are women, and that not all women have a vagina. Here I’m outlining how this myth functions socially. Women in this case refers to an assigned social category). The myth of the tight pussy sustains phallocentrism—the belief that our collective sexual world, both real and imagined, should revolve around the penis (really the idea of the penis, as it usually contradicts most people’s lived experience of having one).  And this myth can keep a lot of vagina-havers from experimenting with size and girth for fear of making it “loose.” And like most social constructs aimed at containing women’s sexuality, it’s coupled with a contradictory concept.

A Portrait of How I Got the Tantus T-Rex Safely Inside Me

Because the myth of the tight pussy and the imagined threshold to looseness are contradicted by another cultural and social myth about the large and mighty phallus. The always-on-point Sexational wrote a superb guide that deconstructs the ways in which our culture privileges the large phallus. It’s perceived that everyone would want a big dick, but those who actively seek out big dicks are then in turn perceived as being “loose.” This myth of the mighty phallus translates into the assumption that one wants or needs a big toy. But, then again,  the myth of the tight pussy suggests that if you do use big dicks the idea is that they will make you “loose.”

And round and round it goes.

No wonder there’s so much anxiety about this! I’m here to calm your fears. It’s time we ended the madness of the tight pussy ideal. So I wrote some affirmations for your vag, whether you’re thinking about experimenting with larger toys, keep hearing about these “kegels,” or just want to explore the parameters of your own pleasure and sexuality

Affirmation #1. The size of the toys I use or want to use does not necessarily *mean* anything.

The vagina is elastic. Most people know this, however, most people think of this elastic as the band in a cheap pair of packaged cotton underwear. That it has some mythological “point of no return” and it might be wrecked and ruined forever if you overstep the magical threshold to looseness. But your vag’s elasticity is not the same kind that holds up a 6-pack of Hanes Bikini Briefs. It’s a powerful and intricate web of muscles and tissue that has the remarkable ability to stretch and take in things that are quite large by working together to make room for them.

When a pussy is aroused the outer labia responsively spread, the uterus elevates (no seriously, how cool is that, though), and the vaginal canal enlongates. Every body is different, and some folks may find that more or less stimulation is needed for any one of these things to happen. The length of the canal itself varies greatly, and some people need shorter toys to prevent cervix collisions (I’m one of those people). Some PC muscles are tense and will need more slender toys and lots of warm up to accommodate heftier girth.

These are just simple truths. Wanting or needing smaller or bigger toys does not mean anything about you as a human.

As a culture we imbue body parts with certain values, attaching qualities and meanings to things that very well shouldn’t have them. This can leave us questioning the overall or general worth of our bodies. We end up comparing our own front holes to an idealistic “tight” pussy that doesn’t exist. All vaginas are different, and all PC muscles vary in their responsiveness and strength. Everyone has PC muscles, not just vagina-havers.  Most importantly, it doesn’t mean anything about you or your inherent dignity and worth.

You are worthy, your vag is worthy.

Affirmation #2. I prioritize my own authentic pleasure, when it comes to toy size and Kegel exercises.

The myth of the tight pussy decentralizes pussy pleasure, and focuses the attention on the penis (which within the myth is always present). I encourage you to affirm and validate your own pleasure. When it comes to picking out the toy that is right for you, you are the expert on your body. Your toy,  your body, your pleasure comes first.

I’ve seen and heard of retailers using the myth of the tight pussy to sell kegel devices. Kegel exercises and devices  are about having strong and reactive PC muscles, not a tight pussy. There are a lot of reasons to pick up some kegel beads ( I recommend ones attached together with a harness and retrival chord like the Je Joue Ami or LELO Luna Beads). Having strong PC muscles can lead to more palpable contractions during orgasm, and can add extra help when wanting to learn to ejaculate.

When thinking about whether or not to do kegels or get a kegel exerciser, prioritize the benefits to your own pleasure.

Kegels are great, but let’s separate them from a set of ideals that devalues our own authentic pleasure.

Affirmation #3. My vagina/front-hole is remarkably capable of stretching and taking. It is extraordinary and powerful.

I had a really positive experience with a very large toy. It took a lot of warm up, near 40 minutes, but when my body began to stretch as I pushed the toy inside of me, I felt extremely powerful. There was something about the intensity of the fullness that made me think of how incredible bodies are. The toy put so much pressure on my G-Spot that pleasure washed over my entire body. I felt transcendent, yet simultaneously sinking into my vagina’s own power.  I was tapping into this strength that I know I have, despite the fact that language provides little to describe it.

Wanting to play with size doesn’t mean that you have a loose vagina. There is pleasure to be had in being stretched, in feeling completely full. And while you could hurt yourself without proper lube and slow, gentle warm up, it will not make you loose. Your muscles become more flexible over time allowing for an easier time using big toys, but overall you will not lose your elasticity. If you’re not getting enough ooomph from the toy that you’re using, it means nothing more than maybe sizing up next time.

You are not your vag.

My main advise is this: Be gentle with yourself. Find ways to disconnect the “tight pussy” from you sexual goals. Focus on exploration, discovery, and self-knowledge, these things are far more valuable than a myth designed to contain and subordinate your sexuality.