I fled my body long ago. And getting back toward living in my body, being present with my body, and not treating my mind as an object which controls it has been very tedious, tiresome, and long.
So I search through body-positive sites and articles.
Which overwhelm me.
I have serious control issues with the “You’re beautiful” rhetoric. For one, I don’t like anyone speaking about my body for me. It doesn’t make me feel more in control and seems to silence my own questions about my body which have fuck all nothing to do with it being “beautiful” or not.
I’m not saying that these sites aren’t helpful for a lot of folks, and I applaud them I do. But I know that because I’m struggling with just how ashamed I feel about how ashamed of my body I sometimes feel I know I’m not the only one.
For one, body positive “tips,” overwhelm me.
Do this. Don’t do this. Learn how to eat. Forgive yourself if you eat something. Learn the difference between types of eating. But stay positive. Everything will be fine.
What I’m searching for at least is not any of those things. I’m uninterested in “redefining” beauty because beauty in and of itself as a concept used to trivialize and manipulate women. I don’t need to “feel” beautiful. I need to feel like I exist in my body.
But I search for help and end up bombarded with seemingly contradictory information: exercise but don’t “feel bad” if you don’t, but still exercise, eat “right” but don’t “feel bad” if you don’t, but still eat “right.”
It makes me feel completely schizoid and feel more disassociated from my body then I did before looking.
These questions at the core of the mainstream face of body positivity are ones that still rely on discussions of what bodies look like and what we think about what our bodies look like.
I’m searching for ways to exist in bodies, to end the binary of mind/body, and to stop thinking about bodies as inherently anything: inherently beautiful, inherently flawed. What does theses abstractions have to do with how I actually make my way through the world?
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