whips and chains, handcuffs!  smack a little booty up with my belt

A question I frequently get from folks wanting to spice up their sexual repertoire is how they can (lovingly, compassionately, sensitively) introduce toys into their partnered sex.  There is often anxiety and fear that suggesting the use of toys – vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, restraints, etc. – will make their partner feel insufficient.  That the sex without toys wasn’t good enough.  That the toys are necessary for sexual satisfaction.

Let me be clear about a few things before I continue with some advisory strategies for introducing toys into your sexytime.

  1. Sex toys canNOT replicate closeness, intimacy, connection, conversation, eye contact, passion, etc.

  2. Sex toys CAN do things our body parts just can’t.  Period.

  3. Sex toy assisted pleasure and orgasm are no less legitimate than those that aren’t.

IM(humble)O, if you are concerned that your lover will take insult or offense at suggesting sex toy use during your sexcapades, your might want to being your preparation well before selecting your toy of choice.  People are more likely to take risks when they feel comfortable and supported (and yes, bringing a sex toy into play may feel risky and vulnerable for some), so put forth effort at making them feel secure, self-assured, and confident during your partnered sex play.

What this looks like:

  • Lots of positive reinforcement!  AKA – tell them when they do stuff that makes you feel good (although I am NOT advocating that you tell them things feel good when they do not feel good).
  • Are there certain positions, activities, environments, etc. that make them feel sexually self-confident?  If you aren’t sure, now would be a great time to ask.  Engage in those contexts where your own personal comfort and boundaries allow.

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