Laura Jane Williams on how to introduce sex toys into your relationship

Laura Jane Williams on romance
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This week Laura Jane Williams on continued consent, exploring sex toys and how to even out the orgasm score…

Some people don’t like sex. Some people like sex for the intimacy it brings, but aren’t that bothered about an orgasm – for them, it isn’t the point. Some people can’t orgasm at all. Some people like sex, and they like orgasms, and out of those people, a lot of them don’t always get one, even when their partner does. This column is for those people. The people suffering from The Orgasm Gap.

I’ve written before about how we all need to be masturbating. That I have a theory sexual liberation doesn’t come once we accept our bodies, but that we can celebrate our bodies through marvelling at their sexual capacity. In short: no body that can curl toes in pleasure and make you forget your own name is a body we can hate. We should all be touching ourselves and learning what we like. It’s fun, but mostly it is important.


For all of that self-love and self-pleasure, though, it can still be hard to close the orgasm gap in the bedroom with a partner – especially in heterosexual relationships.

Straight men statistically orgasm more often than straight women. For a smorgasbord of reasons there’s a warped validation of masculinity only sex can provide men (I blame bad porn, and the outdated values of most men’s magazines), and women can feel weird telling their partners that they haven’t peaked. We don’t want to upset them. This is an example of the “fragile” part of “fragile masculinity”.

Their sense of self can be undone if they feel criticised for their sexual performance. It’s not their fault, really. The whole world tells them their manliness is inherently tied to their sexual prowess. Tell them they haven’t made you orgasm and it’s like saying “you’re not a real man”.

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