Review: Lovehoney Main Squeeze Kegel Balls

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“This can’t be right,” I thought to myself as I scoured the glossy packaging of Lovehoney’s Main Squeeze Kegel Balls. Not a single reference to gender, not even so much as a “women’s health” anywhere to be found. No disembodied voice bemoaning the effects of time on women’s bodies. No forlourned conclusion that without their product your vag will never please your (always presumed male) partner. “It must be in the instructions,” I concluded, but, ultimately, I found none.

Let’s back up. Why am I surprised? Because while I love a good set of vag weights, they are almost always accompanied with a narrative of loose pussies and the “dangers” of age. A lot of companies (even ones I like), use these messages to sell their products.

Here’s the deal:

Kegel devices, often called beads, balls, or exercisers, are something you put in your vag/front hole (please, do not put them in your butt) and they engage your PC muscles. You can do kegels without these aids, but I use them because I’m lazy, they can provide some interesting sensation, and they’re fun to use when doing basic tasks (see also: butt plugs). They are often recommended for folks dealing with urinary incontinence, strengthening the pelvic floor, and/or improving the quality of orgasms. But I’ve never understood the need some companies feel to tell this story about women’s bodies being ruined by time. Most people know what they’re used for BEFORE they buy them. It’s unnecessary and an example of using shame for profit.

Lovehoney seems to have their shit together in this regard. The packaging is smooth, simple, and glossy. Even the name “Main Squeeze” is pretty coot, in my opinion. There’s minimal fluff, no plastic clamshell, just some plain crinkly wrap (not ideal if you’re looking for that luxury wow factor, but worth it in my opinion just for the sheer lack of shamey, gross narratives about women and their bodies).

Their shape is similar to my vag ball front runner: the JeJoue Ami. They’re made of silicone, firm but smooth to the touch. There’s a handy silicone retrieval cord for easy removal. Like many kegel toys on the market, they consist of two weights that rove freely within a silicone and hard plastic shell. This produces a rolling sensation when worn.

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I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way, the majority of sex toy reviewers/bloggers decided that palpability of this sensation is key and integral. If you can’t “feel” it then what’s the point? I have a slightly differently perspective. I viscerally hate, just really hate, kegel balls that “clank.” This is what happens when the sensation is super palpable and feels like an unexpected clanking inside my vag. I’m not having it.

With the Main Squeeze set, I can easily discern the sensation. It’s moderate, laying between the LELO Luna Beads (too much) and the Ami (not quite enough). There’s no clank, just a moderate but palpable rolling sensation. I feel it when I move around, and I like to wear them when I’m cleaning, running errands, and to spice up other boring daily tasks.

They also come in other weights: a lighter set (30g) and a heavier set (90g). I went with the medium. I can feel that they engage my PC muscles, but I don’t have issues with them trying to find their way to freedom. At the same time, they’re not so light as to feel like a waste of time. If you are newer or more advanced, perhaps consider the other two, but for me, the medium is just right.

My only real gripe with the Main Squeeze balls is that they are quite large. They are not too big to be effective nor to root their way out of my vag. Vagina’s simply aren’t that long when they are unaroused, as I am when I use kegel devices, and I worry about how big they are. I was concerned about getting them into my body, but with the help of some Sliquid and proper positioning, they go in without a fuss.

The instructions suggest squatting or lifting one leg, this can work for a lot of bodies. I, myself, prefer to lay down to insert them. I push them past the curve of my pubic bone, and voila!

So…….results

Results are a thing a lot of folks are interested in with kegel toys. As I mentioned earlier, they can be recommended for a whole host of issues: urinary incontinence, improving control, and more intense orgasms. Like anything I review, I cannot and will not gurantee you specific results. As I have written elsewhere, kegels and kegel toys are not about getting a “tight pussy.” There is no such thing.

They can, however, give you more control over how you engage your PC muscles. I notice, after using them or others I’ve tried, more discernible contractions in orgasm. For a long time, I thought I was hallucinating or that I was having some sort of psychosomatic response until I had a customer who gleefully agreed with me in a conversation about vag weights. So I feel less bizarre. I don’t know if this will happen for you, but that’s how the “results” roll in for me.

Is this science? Are they doing some sort of science magic on my vag? Probably not. They are, however, waking them up, making me more aware, and in turn, I notice a difference.

And I notice it with these inexpensive beads as much as I have with their more expensive counterparts.

So let’s go over the Main Squeeze Kegel Balls:

They’re inexpensive ($22) and body-safe. You’re not about to be bombarded with shame tactics about how time has ruined your vag. The sensation they produce is palpable and interesting without the “clank” factor. They are quite large which I believe to be there only real downfall.

I think they’re a solid bet for folks looking for products like this. AND if they don’t work for you or you need a different weight, you can easily return them (yes, yes you can) with Lovehoney’s astonishing 365 day return policy. I can’t think of a reason not to recommend them.

You can snag yourself the Main Squeeze Kegel Balls (60g) at Lovehoney.

Special thanks to Lovehoney for sending me their Main Squeeze Kegal Balls in exchange for my honest review. 

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