“Is that only for people with loose, floppy vaginas?” she asks. Her upper lip curled into familiar snarl of disgust.
It’s the Outlaw, it’s always the Outlaw.
I tell her no, that it’s perfectly normal to experiment with girth and length and it won’t ruin you. And I walk away.
I want to change how we talk about big toys.
It shouldn’t have stuck to me, that interaction. There was nothing profound or particularly startling about it. Encounters like that happen all the time. Hell, people who work in shops say things like that. But I came to pride myself on the glaze of neutrality that I cast over my body before my feet hit the shop floor. It’s important to be unmoved, fixed like a rock; to let no one and nothing offend you.
But, hey, even smut slingers get their feelings hurt.
The work of disgust is clingy. We intend for our disgust to stick to things, to people, specifically. We express disgust in hopes of simultaneously changing (or shaming) someone’s behavior and elevating ourselves to a high moral ground.
And if ever there were objects for expressing disgust, big toys would be high on the list.
I get why people think big toys are scary. A lot of that fear, though, can be undone by understanding the myth of the tight pussy. It’s also that our lack of education tells us to just trust things that seem like they could be true. When (if ever) we’re taught about sex, we’re taught that there is only one person who experiences pleasure—-the person doing the penetrating (because in the story there is only penetration to define sex).
So we don’t, as a culture, value sensations that come from experiencing penetration in other ways. So we don’t hear about or even really have a good taxonomy of words to choose from when talking about being penetrated. It’s always passive, it fails to take into account the feeling of expansion, of taking things in.
An older couple thanked me later for my response to the disgusted woman. Listening to me, they said, made them feel safe. We chatted about their new found love of vibrators, handed different tester toys back and forth, and it washed the sticky reminents of disgust right away.
Your Yuk, My Yum
I think it was Coyote Days (the amazing buyer for Good Vibrations) that was the first person I ever heard discuss “yucking my yum” as a concept that happens in the sex toy world. When you work on the floor, this happens a lot.
And size shaming is a whole other monster inside the storm that is yucking the yums.
So here’s what’s up:
Big Toys that are made of body safe materials like 100% high grade silicone, stainless steel, glass, or wood are perfectly fine to use—when used with lots of lube and lots of warm up.
I love big toys. I love to feel stretched and expanded and pushed. My G-Spot loves being trapped under pressure. I love the time I spend warming up with my favorite toys to get there.
Big Toys are really nothing to be afraid of. They won’t render you loose and they won’t hurt you if you take the proper steps.
“Big” means different things to different people. I consider anything over 1.75″ in diameter to be girthy and anything over 7″ to be lengthy. I recommend starting smaller than you might think. It would just be a real shame if you got something that you can’t use. So check your orifice’s ego.
For a first big toy, I might recommend the Tantus Cush (my review) or Mikey (my review) because although they’re chunkier than average, they are not unreasonably large. If you’re interested in feeling full, but still want something moderate, I’d say either of those toys would do the trick.
Something else to consider is going with a softer material.
Squishy toys are easier to accomodate than rigid ones. With some companies who specialize in big toys like Bad Dragon or Exotic-Erotics you can customize the squish factor. Keep in mind that the longer something is the firmer it needs to be to stand up. Nox the Night Drake by Bad Dragon or the Hippocampus from Exotic-Erotics are both toys that I highly recommend. With these toys you can choose the size the seems right for you (really look at their pictures, though. Even the smallest sizes are bigger than traditional sizes).
VixSkin is another squishy material great for experimenting with girth. If you’ve had some experience and are looking to amp things up even further, the VixSkin Randy is long trusted option. Softer than the Tantus T-Rex and less difficult to use. I gotta say I do love the crazy intensity of the T-Rex. Both are 2.25″ in diameter, so make sure you’ve got what you need to ramp up to them.
The Outlaw didn’t work well for me (as a girth craver) but I think it would work excellent for length.
Lube is your best friend when it comes to big toys and you’ll need lots of it. I use thick lubes—that are of gel consistency because they provide more cushion and don’t run away. There’s nothing worse than getting a huge toy inside you and realizing the lube you’ve used is too thin and you need more.
Warm Up: Creating a Marathon of Awesome
Warming up is crucial.
I don’t just shove big toys inside of me. Though I championed my vag as a champ after taking the Tantus T-Rex, it took, like, eight other toys to get me there.
It was a marathon of awesome.
Your body needs to adjust and prepare. And hey, it’s more time for pleasure! For warming up I want something easy to use and stimulating—-my top choices: the Alex Noise by BS Atelier, the Tantus Rocket, or the VixSkin Mustang by Vixen Creations.
Some strong clitoral stimulation is also key for making this work for me. An external vibe makes for a wonderful companion on the road to big toys.
The bigger the toy, the more warm up you’ll need and the more incremental sizes to get you there.
A hand is a great warm-up tool—gradually increase the amount of fingers you use: Voila! Warm up!
Create your own marathon of awesome: Set out the lube, line up the toys, pick some particularly stimulating sexy things to do with a partner, and enjoy the ride.
Give Yourself Some Time
You’ll also need some time. Carve out time in your schedule when looking to explore sex toy girth or length. It’ll up the anticipation and give you the time you need to prepare.
Go slowly, don’t “push yourself.” It shouldn’t feel like resistance. Mostly, don’t forget to breathe. Once I’ve inserted the toy I’d like to use, I usually just hold it there and breathe for a while before I start thrusting. Allow your body to adjust. Revel in the sensation of being full.
So, kittens, there’s nothing wrong with big toys. As long as you have what you need and take your time, there’s all sorts of pleasure to be had experimenting with girth or length.
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